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Four months ago, I was driving home for Thanksgiving break. As I approached Tampa, the song Say by One Republic came blaring through my sound system. I had heard the song before. In fact, I knew all the words, but as I sat in traffic, I really listened to them. I began to cry. Each line hit me full force, expressing exactly what I felt.
Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted.
At that point in time, I was dating Eric. I left school two days early to go home to Punta Gorda to escape him because I couldn't deal with the amount of drama he brought to my life. Jim and I had stopped talking, but I was no where near over him. I actually asked him if we would ever be able to get back together. I missed everything about him. I missed everything about our relationship. I wanted to go back to the summer when everything was picture perfect, but I knew that would never happen.
Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold
It was in that drive that I realized that I couldn't deal with it anymore and even if it meant losing all of my friends from Eric's fraternity, I was willing to give it all up to be happy again. I'm going to come out and openly say it: Eric was a rebound. Anyone who has met this kid understands just by looking at him that we are nothing alike; at the same time, I had a hard time admitting it to myself, let alone anyone else.
Do you think you can find it
Better than you had it?
That was the last time I cried to this day. John Parady, one of Brian's best friends who came up to visit this weekend, said to me tonight, "It's funny, isn't it? The best people are right under our noses, and yet because we're not looking for them, we don't even know they exist." Brian and I crossed paths in so many ways last semester and yet neither of us left a lasting impression in the least. It wasn't until 4 days before he went home for winter break that we even hung out together. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. We texted continuously all winter break. For three weeks, the only form of conversation we had was facebook chat and text messaging. I called him at midnight on New Year's because he asked me to. I just recently found out that he said up for 42 hours so he could call me at midnight to wish me a happy birthday and to have a reason to talk to me on the phone. I never imagined I would be so happy with someone. I look back on my relationship with Jim, and I know that there is absolutely no comparison to how happy I am now.
Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
So, as I was walking across campus yesterday with my headphones in my ears and my ipod on shuffle, Say began to play. It was the first time I've heard it since Thanksgiving break, but this time, as I began to listen to the words, I realized that this song no longer has to do with me. I let go. I have moved past it.
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it
I just got home from a wonderful evening to find a message in my facebook inbox from Brian that reads, "I just thought I would let you know that you are so cute and adorable and I love you so much baby :-)" I'm genuinely happy. Honestly, the last three months of my life have been amazing. I feel so incredibly lucky right now.
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